2/10
While it's true that I hate all musicals (apart from West Side Story), this does not disqualify me from being able to distinguish between one that is merely average, and one (like this) which is really, truly dreadful. For a start, there is no story to speak of. Legendary Italian director Daniel Day Lewis is faced with making a movie, but can't seem to get started. And yes, this is virtually the same plot as Fellini's 8 and a Half, because Nine is a musical variation on that film.
Second, there are no characters to speak of. Daniel does his best with a cipher of a role, waving his hands around, smoking and pushing his hair out of his face, but these gestures don't add up to anything. And then he has the dreaded English-spoken-with-an-Italian-accent problem. It sounds phony because it is phony. Then there are the female characters, or rather, two dimensional roles they have to slot into. Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard, all reduced to caricatures and stereotypes of sexy, maternal, wronged or whatever simplistic definition sums them up.
Third, there are the musical numbers. Everyone has to have at least one, irrespective of whether they can sing, and they're all staged in the same crass and unimaginative way, with legs being kicked, corsets bulging, and various chorus girls grinning manically as if they were auditioning for the Clacton branch of the Folies Bergeres. And as for the music, the less said about it the better, if only because it's so forgettable that I can't remember a single note or chorus of any appeal.
You think I'm being too hard? Sit through two hours of this drivel, and you'll see I'm being generous. What a monumental waste of time and money.
