4/10
Today I sat with what seemed like most of the adolescent female population of Bath watching a 2 hour film in which precisely nothing happened. I hope they enjoyed it more than I did.
My intentions were good. After the first 2 films, I had persuaded myself that I was as fully paid up a member of the Twilight fan club as any middle aged man who's watched thousands of films can be. But even I draw the line at a whole film which consists of waiting for two things; one of which happened at the end of the film and was over in a flash, the other of which is deferred till part 4.
The situation at the beginning of Part 3 (and, of course, at the end), is that Bella is in love with Edward, a vampire. Her friend Jacob (a werewolf) is also in love with her, though his torso must come a close second. She is caught in an eternal and tedious triangle where she has to make it clear every five seconds that she prefers Ed, even though she's fond of Jake, and yes she knows that marrying Ed and becoming a vampire limits her suture options, but he's still the guy for her, fangs and all (not that we ever see anything so coarse as sharp teeth).
Indeed, the film is remarkable for how much it doesn't show. No blood, apart the occasional chaste dribble, spilt in self-sacrifice; no sex apart the occasional kiss and cuddle that wouldn't be out of place in mid-Victorian fiction; but above all, as I've already complained - No Action. The film consists of endless discussions about who loves who (as detailed above), and waiting for a big showdown with a bunch of rogue vampires who are out to get Bella for no good reason apart from the fact that it allows Ed and Jake to bicker, then make up, then join forces to fight the Even Badder Guys in a notably underpowered battle. Part of the problem is the fact that the CGI wolves are completely unconvincing, and the other is that, as previously mentioned, no blood is spilt. In fact when you kill a vampire, apparently you just twist their hand and break them like a piece of china.
Like I say, I know this is not a film designed for me, but even so, I can tell the difference between good, less good and downright dull. I still remain convinced that Kristen Stewart has what it takes, and it's not Taylor Lautner's fault that he looks like a nerd with a bod. I guess it's the fidelity to the book that hampers the film's progress, as we head for the big showdown in which Love Will Find a Way. I hope it's more exciting than this.
