3/10
Mark Kermode wisely pointed out that in Clash of the Titans, no Titans actually clashed. There's a new and more serious problem here. There are no Titans at all, let alone any wrath. What there is, is an absence of plot, an awful lot of CGI and a template for a computer game.
It's hardly news that modern blockbusters often feel like dress rehearsals for computer games, but this isn't so much a rehearsal as a first night. All coherent narrative is sacrificed for an endless series of incomprehensible fights and a labyrinthine chase through an ever-changing landscape. (NB - given that they're under the ground for the labyrinth sequences, where does all the light come from?) In fact, you could plausibly argue that this is not a film at all.
Sam Worthington plays Perseus for a second time, with a more pronounced Australian accent than before, though his son has an English accent, while his father Zeus (Liam Neeson) speaks with a distinctly Irish twang. Mind you, Zeus's brother Hades (Ralph Fiennes) is an English speaker, and Zeus's other son, Ares (Edgar Ramirez) has a Hispanic accent. These are mere details, I agree, but it is a sign of quite how dull the film is, that my mind took to noticing these things, for want of anything better to engage my attention. Though an equally troubling matter is quite how many decent actors have allowed themselves to take the Hollywood dollar in return for making prats of themselves. As well as Neeson and Fiennes, there is the wonderful Rosamund Pike as a warrior Queen (Andromeda), Bill Nighy as Hephaestus (inexplicably choosing a cheerful Yorkshire accent), and Toby Kebbell as Agenor, another bastard offspring of the gods. In fact, there isn't really an American actor in sight, apart from Danny Huston as Hades, though he speaks with an English accent.
OK, enough with the accents. The problem with the film is the same problem we had with John Carter. It's dull. No, worse than that, it's really dull. Truly madly deeply dull from the opening scene to the closing sequence. Nothing of any interest happens. In fact, when I saw the credits for the script at the end, I wondered what exactly those guys did. Perseus is asked by Zeus to come back and help the Gods in their hour of need. He says no, he wants to be a good dad. Zeus is captured by brother Hades and son Ares, so that his powers may be removed and passed over to Kronos, who for some reason is a towering column of fiery tarmac. And it is not clear why, if Zeus is the king of the gods, he can be tied up with chains. Never mind. Perseus gets dragged into the conflict anyway, teams up with Agenor and Andromeda, encounters some Cyclops, heads for the underworld, and chops up everything that comes within sword range. And that's about it.
No logic, no coherence, no character, just screen-filling mush. Even within its own terms of reference it's awful. Worthington is an uncharismatic leading man, while the ZZ Top-like beards that cover the faces of Nighy, Neeson and Fiennes cannot disguise the embarassment they are (or should be) feeling about showing up in such tedious drivel. If I haven't out you off going yet, then you clearly aren't paying attention. This is so boring, that I think I would prefer to have listened to the shipping forecast for 100 minutes. You have been warned.
